Poem # 23

I Can Hardly Hear Myself Think

there's something absent in here
what a vast state of emptiness
the heart of my existence is in
as if all philosophies have perished
my logic finally succumbed
to my fierce yet fictitious thoughts
orchestrated self-pity wouldn't help
make me make a mistake
a troubled mind
needs the horror of truth
anything, any lies at all, would help
it's these vanishing words like tattoos
scratched red, bled dreams,
scrabbled out, breathed relief
inexplicability is really such nonsense
pedestal is where I found my audience
if only I could demand an accident
an accident of the most beautiful intent
to mark these words with substance
to put certain things into one sentence

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 22

Serendipity

Forget-me-not, in disguise
imprisoned hearts, in a daze
left alone, high and dry
exchange free will for a kiss
Smell of envy, love in bloom
sting of roses, all to consume
their senses have long been ripe
they conspire only to get higher
To gamble what is out of reach
to together get to the other side
Before the sound of the starting gun
Before shooting stars light the sky
She is gone, her wishes fulfilled
She has won, her rights to thrill

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 21

Crossroad

if I could simply press on
Such splendid impulses
nothing could surpass
the raw hunger buried, protesting
In me, along with weakness
If I could tell it's wrong
covering up, look away, think twice
If only I could write the contract
so much never was told
Who deserves my heart
Nowhere to be seen
Who listens to her soul
Yearning for never felt pleasure
and romanticized contact
Would I act to be discovered
If I could stay protected

Ella Evans© 2008

20 Poems

Poem # 20

Letter to Lost Half

One Last thing before I go

Remind me to remember you

Ask me to never look back

One gets lost

if one stays on track

Are you true

Are you mine
With whom do I contend
surely you placed me
in this predicament
Should you be my alibi
If you claim to be
my only guiding light

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 19

Somewhere A Clock is Ticking

lovely Ways you appear
Getting louder and angrier
Such an urgent message
Inside an ordinary reminder
like my hollow heartbeat
ticking, ticking clock, fails to mend
If you say we ought to hurry
I promise you they won't worry
Even when I begin to despise
the very thing I try to defend
My life is just a choice
Free will leads me to believe
This isn't just a story of fate
but tell me what it is that I feel
slipping through my fingers

If the truth does not relate

then why do I still wait to linger

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 18

Peter Pan's Request

I adore the artificial midnight blue
reflected from the unsettled alarm clock
piled up on the cluttered end table
unlocking my anxieties,
"Let go of complications", you ask me to
"fly out of the window", with you
I take notice of tiles forming patterns
on the north side of the bare bathroom wall
Every time I find the same images
Clearly hidden in the lines and hues
I don't need any feigned interest, really
Even though I feel the need to explain
to desire peace and freedom of expression
I don't understand your indulgence
in living in the past, in escaping you
Often on the sleepless nights alone
Feeling inspired to reconnect
I try too hard to simplify things
So, the answer is "no",
I would rather try to understand
even if I'm as lost and rejected as you

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 17

Stay

Stay, I waited for you to say that
Wait for me, but you made no promises
You generously offered
a temporary place in your heart
inexplicable cold, unblinking eyes
every breath made me regret
how indifferent, how effortless
I wish my pause could rest
Still I winced as I thought of
final days speaking to you
words yielded, time sped up, and left
us finally parting on bad terms

... ...
I had no relish for impulsive adventures
for my entertainment
nor leaving the only place I called home
I did not wish to pursue ventures
to challenge myself
and act like it wasn't concerning me at all
as if I even had a choice in the matter
I was only twelve years old
All I knew was to recoil
to cry, when the tears
weren't shed for anyone else
but my troubled self
the fact of the matter was
I allowed selfishness for once
and I prided in my misery
... ...
Hi I miss you..., I uttered
Evanescent memories we shared
moments of discreet silence followed
as we reflected and sighed in unison
the absulutness, the dead feelings
the aimless approches, the only things
we had left in common
Jagged remarks, plain and unreserved
all left permanent marks
tell me if I have the right to rectify
the harm life unknowingly has caused
I have been changed
You haven't been replaced
I led myself to the unwanted epiphany

Ella Evans© 2008