Poem # 23

I Can Hardly Hear Myself Think

there's something absent in here
what a vast state of emptiness
the heart of my existence is in
as if all philosophies have perished
my logic finally succumbed
to my fierce yet fictitious thoughts
orchestrated self-pity wouldn't help
make me make a mistake
a troubled mind
needs the horror of truth
anything, any lies at all, would help
it's these vanishing words like tattoos
scratched red, bled dreams,
scrabbled out, breathed relief
inexplicability is really such nonsense
pedestal is where I found my audience
if only I could demand an accident
an accident of the most beautiful intent
to mark these words with substance
to put certain things into one sentence

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 22

Serendipity

Forget-me-not, in disguise
imprisoned hearts, in a daze
left alone, high and dry
exchange free will for a kiss
Smell of envy, love in bloom
sting of roses, all to consume
their senses have long been ripe
they conspire only to get higher
To gamble what is out of reach
to together get to the other side
Before the sound of the starting gun
Before shooting stars light the sky
She is gone, her wishes fulfilled
She has won, her rights to thrill

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 21

Crossroad

if I could simply press on
Such splendid impulses
nothing could surpass
the raw hunger buried, protesting
In me, along with weakness
If I could tell it's wrong
covering up, look away, think twice
If only I could write the contract
so much never was told
Who deserves my heart
Nowhere to be seen
Who listens to her soul
Yearning for never felt pleasure
and romanticized contact
Would I act to be discovered
If I could stay protected

Ella Evans© 2008

20 Poems

Poem # 20

Letter to Lost Half

One Last thing before I go

Remind me to remember you

Ask me to never look back

One gets lost

if one stays on track

Are you true

Are you mine
With whom do I contend
surely you placed me
in this predicament
Should you be my alibi
If you claim to be
my only guiding light

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 19

Somewhere A Clock is Ticking

lovely Ways you appear
Getting louder and angrier
Such an urgent message
Inside an ordinary reminder
like my hollow heartbeat
ticking, ticking clock, fails to mend
If you say we ought to hurry
I promise you they won't worry
Even when I begin to despise
the very thing I try to defend
My life is just a choice
Free will leads me to believe
This isn't just a story of fate
but tell me what it is that I feel
slipping through my fingers

If the truth does not relate

then why do I still wait to linger

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 18

Peter Pan's Request

I adore the artificial midnight blue
reflected from the unsettled alarm clock
piled up on the cluttered end table
unlocking my anxieties,
"Let go of complications", you ask me to
"fly out of the window", with you
I take notice of tiles forming patterns
on the north side of the bare bathroom wall
Every time I find the same images
Clearly hidden in the lines and hues
I don't need any feigned interest, really
Even though I feel the need to explain
to desire peace and freedom of expression
I don't understand your indulgence
in living in the past, in escaping you
Often on the sleepless nights alone
Feeling inspired to reconnect
I try too hard to simplify things
So, the answer is "no",
I would rather try to understand
even if I'm as lost and rejected as you

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 17

Stay

Stay, I waited for you to say that
Wait for me, but you made no promises
You generously offered
a temporary place in your heart
inexplicable cold, unblinking eyes
every breath made me regret
how indifferent, how effortless
I wish my pause could rest
Still I winced as I thought of
final days speaking to you
words yielded, time sped up, and left
us finally parting on bad terms

... ...
I had no relish for impulsive adventures
for my entertainment
nor leaving the only place I called home
I did not wish to pursue ventures
to challenge myself
and act like it wasn't concerning me at all
as if I even had a choice in the matter
I was only twelve years old
All I knew was to recoil
to cry, when the tears
weren't shed for anyone else
but my troubled self
the fact of the matter was
I allowed selfishness for once
and I prided in my misery
... ...
Hi I miss you..., I uttered
Evanescent memories we shared
moments of discreet silence followed
as we reflected and sighed in unison
the absulutness, the dead feelings
the aimless approches, the only things
we had left in common
Jagged remarks, plain and unreserved
all left permanent marks
tell me if I have the right to rectify
the harm life unknowingly has caused
I have been changed
You haven't been replaced
I led myself to the unwanted epiphany

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 16

The Funeral

Alas, life. Speechless I am.
A Crystal ball. A magical wand.
What I mean. What I need.
What they expect, you to portray.
Smoke signal, on a foggy day.
Still Cynical, it's only survival.
Lead me astray.
life oh once in a while...
Offer me a chance,
to betray myself.
Not to comprehend. Not to bother.
Not to care. Not to obey.
I've made a clear discovery:
Life is worthwhile.
So don't leave me here,
to merely decay and remain.

Ella Evans© 2008

This poem is dedicated to my very dear friend Emmie
Feeling blue, alright, me too.

Poem # 15

Ego

first of all
when it all boils down to this
don't hide your troubled eyes
and say it's embarrassingly small
Our visions collided
I took a chance out of disgrace
instantly your head occupied
the silence made me sick
Promise sounded like a paradox
of course I fell for it nevertheless
patient hesitation
before a kiss
blinded addiction
smell of death
pleasure in obsession
eternal chaos in abyss
scarce knew love's slave
though all the audience has left
I have stayed to witness it all
yet my opponent
when I finally confronted
and played him one last song
is still drenched in hate and frowns

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 14

Homecoming 541

So long I'm cruising about
homesick in foreign fields
during a dreadful isolation
I drag behind an invisible sheid
See I know the destination
life, keeps to be delayed

the time I spent away
exploring my own journey
I find my ghosts dreaming
in the most peculiar ways
a faint spark of tear, blur
a moment of hope, stir


When I slide in hiding
I believe I'm only older
burn my diary in the spotlight
watch as my angry skies ignite
I pray when I return all words cease
I pray, one day, I may rest in peace

Ella Evans© 2008

Poem # 13

New Apocalypse

Mirrors with no glass the mismatched gloves
I place the broken brakes in speeding cars
I search through the debris for the golden key
as if it was decided with this complacency
Under moon's shadow soloist performs alone
I pray before I go play me another song
Never to let go of such an exquisite tune
Reasons to admit that the end is too soon
old rhymes begin to blur as the news stirs
I wonder what you are back here to cure
Secret disclosure I am inclined to implore
Leisurely you point out the love you bear
you have no idea how long I've waited
Oh dear, long before the world was made

Ella Evans© 2008

“This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

Winston Churchill

“I don't want to live. I want to love first, and live incidentally.”

Zelda Fitzgerald

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. -Charlie Brown to Snoopy”

Charles M. Schulz

Poem # 12

What A Wonderful World

The hole burns right through my chest
the crossroad of dark and light to where
the world we know only moves forward
if it is full of the corrupt and the sinister
The hope in us why anyone should ignore
the texture of the rain and the open road
the greatness in love and an open heart
you're never alone, What a sight to behold
Two roads decide the reasons for humanity
One leads you to disturbance and reform
the other more than ignorant contentment
So many choose madness some declare
You choose to be offended only if you dare
The recklessness of whom I do not condone
do you need them as your motivation
nothing more than foolish self-justification
do you need them as excuses to embrace
your desires to reach all of the lost souls

Ella Evans© 2008

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

Dale Carnegie

“Remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS.”

Mahatma Gandhi

“Evil is just a point of view”

Anne Rice

“In all things it is better to hope than to despair”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness and devotion to God."
TITUS 2:12

warning: if you are in anyways offended by this poem, please keep in mind, that people do have different opinions and freedom of speech. Thanks for reading, comments and debates are welcome.

Poem #11

"The Secret Garden"

Accidentally stolen
demise of wisdom
Unconsciously fallen
asleep in your Eden
fire cloak that face
my desires forbidden
fog hide from death's veil
of taste so colorful

Ella Evans© 2008

"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."
Albert Einstein

"Scientists were rated as great heretics by the church, but they were truly religious men because of their faith in the orderliness of the universe."
Albert Einstein

"Where, you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow."
The Secret Garden

poem # 11

The Emperor

Would you readily exchange souls for gold
Would you urge hot-blooded pilots to die for dear oil
and perhaps to prevent the unthinkable defeat
that your supporters, masterminds never dare to mention
You look on and nod in approval and confidence
You see the fire in their eyes, gives you more assurance
don't start to forget the ghastly looks on their beautiful faces
as they prepare for what's painfully unjust for lives so innocent
Waving, grinning in spite of waves of cold sweat,as they go on
their very last death march, with utterly intolerable sad grace
to what they hope never fading honor and glory
but what would they think of the eternal silence
waiting for them when it's all over, even what they fought and died for
It is unendurable to watch...their arduous walk down the runway
while some who love and hurt deeply weep and murmur "please"
some in grief, they pray secretly, broken-hearted for a miracle,
others in unspeakable joy and pride, they ask not for protection
but what they believe is more paramount, it's the recognition
All the young boys afraid of not only endings, loses and departs
more than anything it's being forgotten, by anyone
The too predictable history one day won't know their names
Never-mind their fears, their emotions, their bodies and minds
You suffocate when thoughts crop up and try to bring you shame
only when your beloved followers are not burying you with praises
You resurface and attempt to find some relief
So you too begin to admire your own power and brilliance
How easily and flawlessly you convince so many to die for you
in the name of "our" country, and "our" beliefs, and "our" enemies
Leave them no doubts in your faith and ability
You are our only savior, only wisdom, only truth of the war
... ...
but not peace, no not beauty, grace, or love, no not life.
Our souls are unbreakable

Ella Evans© 2008

Toward the end of World War II, when an American invasion of Japan’s homeland seemed imminent, Ōnishi Takijirō, a navy vice admiral, invented the tokkōtai (“Special Attack Force”) operation, which included airplanes, gliders, and submarine torpedoes... Any soldier who refused would become persona non grata or be sent to the southern battlefield, where death was guaranteed. Some soldiers actually managed to say no, but their refusal was disregarded. The tokkōtai pilots were supposed to die. From the time they received their assignment, they no longer belonged to this world. They could not return if they were unable to locate the enemy... As Hayashi Ichizō put it: “There must be some peace of mind for dedicating my life to the emperor... To be honest, I cannot say that the wish to die for the emperor is genuine, coming from my heart. However, it is decided for me that I die for the emperor.”... The diaries of these young men offer eloquent testimony that contradicts both the stereotype held outside of Japan and the propaganda circulated by the Japanese military: that tokkōtai pilots died happily for the emperor.

---An excerpt from Kamikaze Diaries, Reflections of Japanese Student Soldiers---Emiko Ohnuki-Tierney

Poem # 10

The Boy With the Umbrella

Call me silly or crazy I don't mind a bit
Don't feel bad if I tell you that I don't mind
the fact you left me more wounded
than ever before the first raindrop fell onto the Earth

I just want you to save me again
like you did that once
No promises or obligations like that last time
No blinding lightnings or even blue hurricanes

Emotional weather report forecasts rain
I missed you and the umbrella was left at home
I take a look at the mind numbing gusty winds
and the black still clouds unusually low

The dense humid air makes it hard to breathe
How pathetic I break down
every time precipitation is expected
It's about to thunder let's all quiet down
Again my tears are stuck in my throat
Childishly I want a shoulder to cry on

Watch out for the low lonely clouds
With a chance of thunderstorm and flood

Ella Evans© 2008

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

--- Alfred Lord Tennyson

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

--- G. K. Chesterton

Poem # 9

Megalomania

If you were to jump from where you stood
because they asked you to
on top of the tallest skyscraper in downtown
where your good restless heart lay overdue
Closest to the gods where we belonged
or so were you convinced
Don't make the leap
Have you lost your mind
You feel like I don't know you anymore
Screaming loud reaching out
to be heard by the impassive crowd
Every crisis was an opportunity
a contagious signal
urged us to prove ourselves
to everyone victimized by fictions, statistics,
and the supposed new world?
Assume you couldn't see the lines drawn
Pretend you did not need to fight a war alone
Suppose you haven't noticed the distance grown
You dream of an escape from reality
drifting away from history, once learned lessons
Your greatness shown in your vanity
through the rise and fall of humanity
glorified leaders you admired not long ago
Have you forgotten they no longer held control?
Why did you let them come back to haunt you?
Don't make the leap
Have you lost your mind
Ignore their cheers
They only want to see you bleed
...
...
Love,
go on and fight their battle,
One day we might finally agree on where to go...

Ella Evans© 2008

Jungvolk Oath (taken by ten-year-old boys on first entering the Hitler Youth)

"In the presence of this blood banner which represents our Führer, I swear to devote all my energies and my strength to the saviour of our country, Adolf Hitler. I am willing and ready to give up my life for him, so help me God."

Poem # 8

Before, after

The unknown unraveled too much of me
I didn't for one moment wish to share
witness the one above
as he readily makes believe of fate
crushing every dream we've ever had
injustice was created
You weren't an exception
it didn't matter what I did
In sorrow I envy your infinite solitude ahead of you
Will I be left with nothing once you leave this earth
Please leave with my broken soul
apathy will be all that I'm worth
My belief for once let me down
There's no one to confide in when you are gone
I can't blame you for taking part of me away
but your tears make me refuse to be saved
Please don't stand in my way when the end comes
all my crimes will be paid
the punishments will gratify
Tired of asking my reasons to be justified
Nothing changes the fact I lived and let die
body crumbling no love to set me free
Whisper to me don't be afraid
while I wait for the end I will be protected
from everything that reminds me of you
Will I see your face
Before I squander what's left away?

Ella Evans© 2008

"I know the moment's near,and there's nothing we can do.
Look through a faithless eye,are you afraid to die?
It scares the hell out of me, and the end is all I can see.
And it scares the hell out of me ,and the end is all I can see."

----Matt Bellamy(Muse)
"Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist"

Poem # 7

Hysteria

you sense it in the air right before it rains
overpowering caution threatens you to seek shelter
never acknowledge anything you want yet unable to attain
but you still find it crawling underneath your aching skin
when darkness and silence hold you down
It's a long way down before you fall and shatter...
you anticipate gravity to keep you on the ground?
It pretends to be only a wise man's treasure
let it breathe let it sing and it will gradually consume
your wills shaken your thoughts scattered
It speaks to you when you try to rest and dream
It laughs and watches as you dig your own grave
you flinch at its name as you lay next to the empty tomb
I won't let it be my time to surrender
I won't let you be the death of me you exclaim
I don't love you and I never did
I don't want you and I never will

Ella Evans© 2008

“If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

---Dan Millman

Poem # 6

Yes Please

I see the right answers
what you want to hear
is on the tip of my tongue
Staying true to my ideals I fear
will only make me appear less sincere
not only in your eyes I fear

Please let me know if you will ever
release me from this cruel spell you put me under
I don't want to know how long ago
You made me hate the word "Forever"

I have too much to lose
with my spirit so badly cut and bruised
How long before you let me go
Baby I'm tired of your pitiful excuses

You make it hard for me to choose
the you I idolize to be just like me
or the you I try to forget constantly
I fear this is the long deserted truth

Ella Evans© 2008

---

"It's like you think you're safe or something, 'cause you can just walk away, anytime, because you don't like, need her. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realize is, you're wrong."

-----"My So-Called Life"

My Dearest Crob

To Crob:

Did you know that you have no self-control
You are the weirdest crob I've even known
I laugh myself to sleep sometimes
thinking about the silly jokes you've told

Did you know that I think you are insane
You scare the hell out of me
when you call me "honey bunches"
Or even better "Little Scarf"
Ugh I deserve better than that love

Did you ever get the feeling
that the second you meet a person
You just know so abruptly from the bottom of your heart
that you will be her friend
it seems as natural as any nature's law
You are certain at that very moment
that your souls will never be apart

For one who occasionally walks in shadows
For one who is hopelessly afraid of the dark
You offer me more than a friend could ask for
For everything you are
I wish to let you know
I'm so sick of you!

Ella Evans© 2008

"A poem I wrote for one of my best friends Little Pale Face, check out her blog http://chatterboxchatterbox.blogspot.com/."

Poem # 5

A Day I Miss

A broken B-string
A day a melody lost its zing
A dog finally quit chasing his tail
A sleepless rainy Sunday morning
A moment you wonder what I'm thinking
I want to know why the world
doesn't work like the books I read
why you are not where you are supposed to be
I lost my sense of direction
all I know now is waiting
O baby it's such a shame

A thunderstorm I hid my face under my pillow
A night the stars just wouldn't come out
A holiday I forgot to celebrate purposely
A full glass looked so empty
A time in history when I loved to be awake
Wanted to know why this was happening
No one could explain to me
Suddenly you took away the meanings

Even memories one day would fade
I think that's an encouragement
Those "I love yous" how do I erase?
O Sweetheart it's such a shame

Ella Evans© 2008

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
---Aeschylus

http://www.myspace.com/helenpaperplain
I love this girl, this poem is kind of inspired by her song "11.30" and "The Trip."

Poem # 4

Clueless

The single recognizable emotion
was unconcealed raw desperation
it tore you apart without mercy
no it wasn't my imagination
I wasn't clueless
Understand now please
Causing you this much sorrow
was never my intention

I hated myself for I cried constantly
you rocked me back and forth in your arms
and sang for me everything that went wrong
only trying to calm me but perhaps
did you for-once attempt to love me
with every heart-breaking song?

You never needed me
the truth I so badly wanted to escape

If only I was offered a choice
If only I had control over my life
I would have known better
than expecting to be adored
I guess I have been clueless

Ella Evans© 2008

"The young Mother, wished to abort her child when she found out she was pregnant as a teenager. She was unable to get an abortion because so many people were against her decision, though she was not convinced that abortion should be considered murder, she still kept her child. And this poem is from the child's point of view, years later, telling his/her Mother that even though it seemed hopeless, he wanted to be loved."

Poem # 3

aMUSEd

So freely you would
tell me how you feel
meanwhile I am taught
what is honest
does not always mean is real
So easily you could
say the goodbyes
and bid me the farewells
I wish I didn't feel so lost

You give me no warnings
predictions only make me appear naive
The scent of your skin
the danger of your presence
draws me closer and lures me in
Why do I allow you to steal
everything that I have
over and over again

I try to put together your puzzle
childishly wishing to solve the mystery
indifferently you laugh
at my spontaneous theories

Is it your carelessness
that you always seem to be at ease
causes me to think
that I am being used
Sometimes I am dying to know
for me do you too discard you soul

With you I'm so unafraid to die
With you I have no sense of time

I find it kind of hard to tell you
I find it kind of hard to take
that when You look at the world
All I'm looking at is you

Ella Evans© 2008

"Good girls always fall for bad boys?"

Poem #2

Adieu

what's discouraging me
is not leaving
nor losing
both are deadly
though I know
I will succeed in changing
What I'm so hopelessly dreading
is much simpler and sadder
though I don't think I can endure
the pain of forgetting

Ella Evans© 2008

"We bury love, Forgetfulness grows over it like grass; That is a thing to weep for, not the dead."
---Alexander Smith

Poem #1

A Conspiracy

Why do I confess
When no one seems to be listening
no I'm not a coward
tell myself not to believe
at the last minute I'm still living
dying but still breathing
the same air you see
questions are here to stay
I will find my way
can't you see I'm not unafraid
only when the world takes interest
must you begin to ponder
what happens when they decide
it's time you done playing this game
Do you too often regret
that your true feelings are eternally buried
fears are cast aside
for now as I speak
all I ask for is please look at me
Why do you refuse to realize
Is my face so hard to read
I'm blazing through your skies
so far from invisible yet you deny
am I still pretending in your eyes
not just a misunderstanding
this time
who is misleading
who is right

Ella Evans © 2008

"Often times, when two opposing sides each try to prove a point which contradict each other, they would forget essentially, they have the same goal: To discover and learn about the truth."